Darkest Midnight
by anuddaone
Summary: Beginning of New Moon - Edward and his family and the decisions Edward makes to save Bella.
1. Not His Fault

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Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me in any way, shape or form. They are Stephenie Meyer's fantastic creations and I am only writing this for entertainment purposes, my own and yours if someone else is reading this.

**_In addition, if there is any dialogue Bella is in earshot of, or involved in, it is all Mrs. Meyer's genius and some of the internal dialogue may be taken from words that Edward will later say or paraphrase to Bella or another character. _**

Summary: Edward and Jasper's exchange while Carlisle is stitching Bella up after the birthday party.

Ok, another thing, I think maybe it wouldn't have been quite this calm a conversation really...after rereading the scene, Jasper would have fought a little more instead of moping...but this is a calm version, its Sunday, I am calm...why not.. :o)

I don't know how many chapters I am going to do with this one...there aren't many to be done...

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**Not His Fault**

"You might as well do something useful," Alice was the third to send me out of the room. How could I leave her? This was wrong. But they were right; Jasper needed me to tell him it was okay. It wasn't though, but it wasn't his fault. It was mine, I put Bella in this position, I put her in a room with six vampires, seven including myself, she wasn't even safe with me there. Though thankfully I was able to control myself enough to stop Jasper.

A lot of good that did me, I threw her. I could have killed her with that flick of my wrist. This is wrong.

"Jasper!" I yelled, not too loud, I knew he was nearby. I could hear his torturous thoughts. "Don't be ridiculous man, no one is blaming you, Bella is more worried about you being upset than anything, just come home."

_Don't come any closer Edward, I will not come back until Bella is gone and then I will go. I have no business with this family, I cannot control myself. _I flinched, I have put him in this situation, I have put the whole family in this situation, I should be the one who has to sacrifice, not him or Alice.

"Jasper, listen, you don't have to go anywhere, you can control yourself, you do it everyday. She was very close, trust me, I understand, you know I do." I tried to sound nonchalant, I am not sure it was working.

_You did not try to attack her, I did._ He did, but I can't say that it wasn't my first instinct, but I love her and knew that it would kill me, he didn't have the advantage of loving her to stop him, I understood that.

"Can I come over there? We should talk, face to face," I pleaded. I didn't want to just tell him it wasn't his fault, he needed to see it in my eyes, to really understand that I wasn't, no one was, blaming him.

"I can feel it you know, your anxiety, if you are afraid to tell me how awful I am, go on, I deserve it." he scowled as I found him sitting in a clearing, one that probably hadn't been there minutes before. I frowned; my anxiety had nothing to do with him. It was about what I knew I had to do. I didn't think I could make a decision like this, not after she changed my life so much, but it was what I had to do. Later, I would think about it after I calmed Jasper.

"Again, you didn't do anything that all of us, except maybe Carlisle, didn't want to do." Why was I so weak?

Jasper's eyes met mine and he misinterpreted my glower. _You hate me. I almost killed the one thing you love._ I just shook my head.

"I am the one that almost killed her, throwing her across that table," I remembered.

"Only because I would have had her in my grips if you hadn't, her life would have been over if you had hesitated. I was going to kill her; I was going to rip her throat out. I was going to gorge on her blood. How can you NOT hate me?" I tried not to listen to his thoughts as he remembered the desire to drain the reason for my being of her existence.

"She is not the _only _one I love, you, my family, all of you are important to me as well." Though at the time, it was her, my life, that was in danger. "I would never hate you, any of you." I could see the monster Jasper saw, it was much like what I saw in myself. I could tell this statement hurt him - _YOU HAVE TO HATE ME! - _though I didn't understand why. "Jasper, why did that bother you, you scream that I have to hate you, my brother, you know that I could never..."

His voice grew dark and angry, "Edward, if it were reversed, and you tried to kill Alice, I wouldn't be out here consoling you, I would be here to rip you to pieces. And I would not have tried to understand how you were feeling; you would be dead, my brother or not!" The monster he pictured in his head, it gave me no doubts that this was the truth, but it was irrelevant. "I know you love her, as much as I love Alice, I can feel it."

"Jasper, this is my fault. I put you in this situation; I put _her_ in this situation. Surely you can feel that I am not angry, or if you feel anger, please know that it only myself I am irate with."

"Uggh. Edward, if I didn't know any better, and if you weren't a Vampire of course, I would think you were a saint!" a small smile flashed on his face, but quickly faded to a scowl. This moment of humor seemed to make it worse. " I am going to go, I know you don't want me to, I know that you are blaming yourself, but I need some time away from humans, I won't make Alice go if she doesn't want to."

I understood. "Alice probably already has her bag ready," I said knowingly. She would see this coming. But what else does she see? I continued, "Besides, I think the rest of the family will be close behind."

Confusion filled Jasper's eyes. _Why would you all leave? No one was hurt too badly, Bella was hurt worse before; this would be easy to explain away. She is a klutz; her dad would never suspect the truth. _

"Carlisle has been concerned we have stayed to long for a while now. I think he may be right." I said simply. He was not satisfied.

_If you take her now, everyone will know it was you. _My throat went dry, if my heart had beat in a hundred years, it would have stopped with that thought. I wasn't ready to accept my decision, it wasn't made yet. Jasper seemed, well, he did feel my pain and looked down. _You really are a saint; though, she won't let you. That girl of yours is stubborn. _I knew that. I shook my head.

Smiling, but only in expression, I sighed, "I know, I have not figured that part out yet. I think that will be the hardest thing, hurting her, maybe more than I did tonight. But you know humans, they bounce back." I looked down. "Rosalie will be happy," I added with a shrug.

_Will you be okay? Can **you** forget, bounce back? I am so sorry I did this, I will never forgive myself. _

I shook my head again, "It is the right thing, it would have become apparent soon enough. Actually, I think that what had happened last spring should have been the end, but she made me promise then, and now I see that I should have never made that promise, it isn't safe, it never was, it is better if I leave her." If my voice could crack, it would have when I said that. Could I leave her? Could I just walk away and never look back? Would I survive? It didn't matter, she would, and that is all I cared about.

Jaspers thoughts were still as dark as they had been when I found him, I should not have shared this part of my plan with him, it was just more he was blaming himself for.

_We should talk about where we are going to go. Hopefully not too far, I couldn't tell. _Alice was close.

"Jasper!" she screamed when she saw us. Her eyes narrowed, _is he okay?_ I shook my head and lowered my eyes.

"Take care of him," I whispered to her. To him, "Brother, like I said, quit blaming yourself, Bella may be the most accident prone person on the planet, but she is strong. She has to be, she is in love with a vampire, remember!?" I laughed with no humor in my voice. It wasn't funny, it was wrong.

I didn't look back as I headed to the house. He would be okay, he had what mattered to him, Alice.

I had to do this; but right now, I had to be sure Bella was okay. Really okay. I wouldn't do it tonight, soon though. I would talk to Carlisle after I took her home, he would know that I was right.

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Okay, I haven't had any thoughts on my other story, but wanted to write something. I think it is a one off but if I cannot finish my Shadow of the Midnight Sun I may write a little more about this decision that made New Moon so hard for me to read!

**As always, feed back is appreciated. Please! 8o)**


	2. Family

_**Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me in any way, shape or form. They are Stephenie Meyer's fantastic creations and I am only writing this for entertainment purposes, my own and yours if someone else is reading this. **_

_**In addition, if there is any dialogue Bella is in earshot of, or involved in, it is all Mrs. Meyer's genius and some of the internal dialogue may be taken from words that Edward will later say or paraphrase to Bella or another character. **_

Another chapter...I left out the dialogue between Bella and Edward in her room; suffice it to say, Edward's mind would be going nonstop during his conversation with her, maybe I will add it sometime...

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**Family**

The car ride home had been silent; I had to think this through. I did not want to scare her. I did not want to leave her either, but this wasn't a choice anymore. Carlisle will agree, he has to…he has to know, after tonight, we are not good for Bella, _I_ am not good for Bella.

She made me promise to stay with her tonight. I would, of course, but I would also go home and talk to Carlisle tonight.

She received her gifts well, better than I would have ever thought. She is being generous, she can sense something. My gift – a simple CD of my music – she acts as if I gave her the world. I wish I could give her that, she is my world, I owe her that much.

I kiss her; a long, hard, irresponsible kiss. A last kiss, maybe? Did she notice? I can't bear the thought of hurting her. But even less I can't bear the thought of putting her in so much danger. Her life was what is most important, not my happiness. Her happiness was my life, and even with me gone she could be happy again. If I stayed, she may end up dead, or worse. I knew this was a possibility from the start.

After a time, after she muttered my name several times, breaking my heart with every sound I decided it was time to talk with my father. Kissing her forehead as she woke to get ready for school as any ordinary day, I slipped out her window.

As I arrived home I could hear a medley of my family, busing themselves with packing and preparations. Jasper was not there. Alice was on the porch waiting for me. _I didn't see it until Jasper had left, I told Carlisle you would be back to talk to him, he understood. _A short pause in her thoughts; a flash quickly hidden from me, _This is a mistake, but one I think you will have to make. _She was not going to let me see her visions. She had shown me Bella and my future on so many occasions, a future I was determined that would not happen. Now I know it never will. Alice doesn't like to be wrong; this is why she hides these thoughts from me.

I shook my head. If we could cry, we both would be in tears now. _You won't come with us. I saw that. I couldn't tell for how long, but I won't see you for some time. Jasper and I will not join the family for now either. Rosalie and Emmett have decided to stay with Esme and Carlisle._ I frowned, I hadn't really thought about it, but I guess I was not going to stay with the family; I had something else to occupy my time, something to further ensure Bella's safety. Even if I was not part of her life, she was most important and I would take all precautions to protect her precious life.

A slight grin crossed Alice's face. _You will suck at it! _I looked at her curiously. I had to ask, "Suck at what?"

_All of it._ She turned and walked into the house. I followed close behind still trying to understand her cryptic answer.

_Edward, I am in the study. _Carlisle knew I still wanted to talk, even if the family knew my intentions and seemed to oblige them.

I walked in the once warm inviting office, noticing the books were already off the shelves, the paintings taken down and boxed. "I'm sorry for this," I sighed.

A flash of anger blazed in my loving father's face. _Do not apologize for trying to be happy! You tried and I understand why you need us to leave. Beside, I couldn't stay much longer, thirty three is pushing it. _My family's kindness was making it worse; no one was mad, upset, or even annoyed. I have ruined their peaceful lives in this nice town because of my selfish need to be with Bella.

My beautiful Bella! How could I leave her? How could I walk away from her knowing the love I felt for her was returned? I could do this; I was doing it for her. She would hate me, but as long as she was safe I could live with that.

_Son, please talk to Esme, she needs to know you are going to be okay._ I left the room with a nod, not having said another word.

I ran into Rose on my way to see Esme, her smug stare made it unnecessary for me to read her thoughts, but I did anyway. _I told you it wouldn't work. _The look of pain in my eyes must have softened her a bit though, her next thought was kinder. _You will be fine, Bella will be better off._

"Thanks," I whispered.

Emmett came up behind Rosalie suddenly. I didn't have to read his thoughts he would tell me before I had time to hear. Probably better that way since nothing he said would be cheering, quite the opposite actually. "Did we sufficiently scare the brave out of her? 'Took us long enough, huh?" Rosalie elbowed him hard enough to make him flinch. A look of guilty apology replaced the grin he always wore.

If only we had scared her. It would have been natural that she should be scared, never want to see me, or my family again. But not her; she had this peculiar characteristic that made her overlook the monster that I was, the monster we all could be. This would be easier if she was scared.

I patted Emmett's back as I passed by on my way to see Esme, no hard feelings. He was just being Emmett.

I surprised Esme when I came in her room. "Oh, Edward!" she cried. I could only smile long enough to let her know I was glad to see her.

"Is Bella okay? Are you?" she asked in such a caring and unnerving voice I almost shivered.

No, we are not okay is all I could think, but I answered, "She will be fine, as soon as I finish this." I could not answer for myself; I could not tell my mother that it would all but kill me to leave this creature. I could not tell her that I would be empty for all eternity, but only planned to remain alive as long as I was needed to ensure Bella's safety. I would not tell this woman who had been my mother for longer than long that I would be only half a person after this, that my life meant nothing now. She didn't need to know all of this, only that everything would work out.

She watched me closely as all of this passed through my head and her eyes grew dark with concern. "Edward, have you thought this through? Are you sure this is right?"

"Yes, it is right for Bella. And for me." That was a lie.

"I am not the one you have to convince that it is right Edward, but you will not convince anyone like that." Her eyes drilling into me, I felt I needed to look away. I did. She slowly turned back to packing knowing I could not give her a better answer.

I moved to her and gave her a hug, a hug only a son could give his mother. I wanted it to be reassuring, but it only made her mind worry more. "Don't worry about me mom, I will be fine." I smiled at the untruth, I did not fool her.

I went back in to see Carlisle. I needed to let him know what I was going to do. He was covering his desk now, I went to help him. _Edward, you should go back to her, you don't have much time left._

"I wanted to let you know what my plans are," I started simply. "I will go to school as normal tomorrow and will tell her after, so that Charlie will be there for her. You should go on; I will be leaving, but I will not be joining you. What did you tell the hospital?"

Carlisle sighed, "I told them I received a job offer in L.A., they were sorry I was leaving but understood." He paused, "Edward…you will be careful right?"

I smiled at that. "I will, I just need to be sure Bella is safe." I wasn't sure that was the truth either. I would be sure she was safe, but being careful wasn't a priority. I turned to leave but thought of something I should relay. "Carlisle, once Alice joins you again, please ask her not to look into Bella's future, I am going to completely remove myself from her life and I think it is best that the rest of the family does the same." He nodded, _I will ask, but she won't listen._ I will talk to her, and she will for me I thought.

As I went down the stairs, not in a hurry to return to Bella's because it would become harder and more of a reality when I looked at her. It was nearly morning now; she would be waiting for me.

Alice bolted in front of me as I reached for the door. "Wait, I want to ride with you today!" she sang.

"No Alice. You should go." I gave her a look that told her I was serious.

"But Edward, I didn't really think that you wouldn't let me say goodbye," her eyes fell.

"It will be easier for her, quick and painless…," so many lies tonight.

_She is the only human friend I ever had; she is like a sister to me. How can I not say goodbye? _But she saw it in my eyes, my mind was made up. She sulked away still attempting to plead with me, hoping I would turn and stop her. I didn't.

I sighed and quietly went to my car to pick up Bella for the last time to take her to school. This would be a hard day.

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R&R please!!


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